Category Archives: Republicanism

Wayne La Pierre’s Ice Cream Fantasy

Mother Jones had an article recently about Wayne La Pierre’s fantasy: quitting the NRA to open an ice cream shop. And they helpfully provided some Ben & Jerry’s style ice cream flavours they might try releasing. Here’s a selection of my favourites:

Mmmmmm-16

License to Chill

Glocky Road

I’d also like to Walther Pecan-K and AK-Fudgy-7 in there.

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Filed under Politics, Republicanism

My Favourite Ever Word Salad

One of my favourite unintentionally hilarious websites is Biased BBC: a bilious, self-important ball of super-far-right hatred, all aimed at Auntie Beeb. The belief of the Biased BBC community is that the BBC has some sort of intrinsic preference for some (i.e. left-wing) political opinions over others. A bias, if you will.

And they see their bias everywhere. In particular, they see it in the BBC’s supposed love of Muslims. Y’see, it turns out all Muslims are barbaric, murderous savages. Any that aren’t are easily explained away: they couldn’t possibly really be Muslims, because the Qu’ran is barbaric, murderous and savage. And so peaceful Muslims aren’t really following the Qu’ran, etc etc. A shame he doesn’t have a similar epiphany about monogamous Christians. How many wives did Abraham have again? One? or much much more than one?

But the BBC, who love Muslims oh so very much, reveal this bias by not mentioning how awful Muslims are in every other article. For example – the BBC have mentioned that JK Rowling, one of the most successful British children’s writers of all time has her first adult book out. “WHY AREN’T THE BBC TALKING MORE ABOUT THE MUSLIMS?”, Biased BBC asks.

But my favouritest ever article is this article, titled The Egg Headed Vanguard. If you can work out what they mean, translate into English in the comments:

The BBC?…..‘good examples of moderate, liberal devotion to the idea of a polite, eggheaded vanguard, without whom the proles get distracted, confused, besieged, and eventually succumb to the terminal disease of false consciousness.
The problem is that the contemporary Left has been used to the idea of itself as a paid bureaucracy as the measure of the success of class struggle.
You actually believe that someone like you [intellectual liberal/socialist] is better able to grasp the “objectivity of a social reality” than are poor workers, because your privilege, your education, has better equipped you to see the world as it really is, without the ornamentation of language, without the bias of place or time–absent the subaltern subject position they suffer from. You’ve been able to rise above ideological distortion.
Notice what you have made of yourself: God. Your perspective is from nowhere. In the name of those poor workers, you have turned yourself into the God who will judge them for their sins against the “objectivity of a social reality,” the sins that usually congregate under the heading of false consciousness.’

They’re quoting from some equally mental, equally unreadable screed from elsewhere on the internet, but Biased BBC seem to think this is wisdom so great it needs no further explanation.

If you have an RSS aggregator, follow this site. There a good 15 minutes of giggling every day to be had.

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Filed under Bloggers, Islamophobia, Racism, Republicanism

How to Write a Jubilee Article

Warning: This post is not for people with dependency management issues. If you didn’t understand the Matrix, you won’t like this article. If you did understand the Matrix, it’s likely that you still won’t like this article.

So, the struggling journo thinks to himself, I should write an article about the Jubilee. Lots of people seemed to take it pretty seriously, and every journalist seems to have an opinion. But I also want to make sure I get a staff position somewhere – maybe the Telegraph or somewhere like that. I’d really love to write something that’s both original (so I can look clever and witty to the Mail) and conformist (so I don’t look like one of them crazy Queen-hatin’ liberals).

If only, he thinks, I had access to this article, which completely details everything I need to write a serious piece about the Jubilee without saying anything stupid.

How to Write a Jubilee Article

The Headline: A headline is all important for an article about the Jubilee. Remember that this is a feature as it’s been nearly a week since the weekend itself, so you’ll need to pose your headline as a question to make it look like your analysis goes deeper than simply gushing about the benefits of long-term inbreeding. A few hints to get you started:

  • Throwing in a reference to mainstream politics is always good:
    • How Does the Queen’s Legacy Contract with the Transience of Modern Politics?
    • Are the People Ready to use the Queen as an Example of how to Live in Modern Britain?
  • Remember you never need to address the question itself, this is only here suck people in to your article and make them assume you’ve thought very deeply about the questions of monarchy itself.
  • Don’t ask the question in a way that could conceivably be answered with a No:
    • In Today’s Society, does the Jubilee Highlight the Queen’s Continuing Relevance? – this is out, as it’ll let the bastard lefties in to the comment section to ruin the image of conformity and destroy a budding journalistic career. And you wouldn’t want that.

To begin the article itself, remember that the Jubilee is not about you – it’s about the Queen, so be sure to shoehorn in your personal feelings about the Queen into the first paragraph, so everyone knows how much this article is about her. If you have one, tell an anecdote about meeting her once when you went on a school trip or something. If you’ve never done so, imagine what meeting her would be like and write that down. People love to read what other people think meeting the Queen might be like. It’s gold.

Move on to describe the boat show – as the main ‘attraction’ of the whole thing you should spend some time doing this, with at least one paragraph on each of

  • What the Queen was wearing. Her personality is less important than the talents of her wardrobe staff. Remember she’s a figurehead of imperialism, not a real human being with any feelings. If there’s a political twist to the exact shade of pastel she’s wearing, throw that in there for good measure.
  • Comment on her bravery for spending all day in the rain. Because she’s in her 80’s, and standing in the rain is tough at that age when all you have is millions of pounds and the best medical staff money can buy. Extra points for then explaining that the unemployed scroungers forced to sleep under London Bridge  for no money should take a lesson in fortitude from their reigning monarch.
  • Describe how awesome you thought the boats were. Cold hard numbers are good – how many boats, how long did it take, if you laid them end to end how many times would they go to the moon and back. Add in numbers for crowds too – it’s only a guess anyway, so add on a few zeroes if you fancy. Lying means you love the Queen the most.
  • Adjectives that may assist
    • Resplendent
    • Moving
    • Stalwart
    • Beloved
    • Joyous
    • Regal
    • Astonishing
    • Erstwhile (if you fancy something a little different)

Briefly mention the concert – people usually derided as chavs in the sorts of newspaper you want to work for can suddenly become national treasures by singing out of key for Queen’n’Country. Be sure to mention their working class background, to show that even celebrities from very poor backgrounds will sing at a concert on the Mall on National Television. Leave implied that the real reason they’re doing it is because everyone loves the Queen so much

The latter half of the article should be a brief story of her reign. Mention how she ascended the throne, and then run through a list of things that have happened since then, to show just how darned awesome she is. Don’t compare how the 30 year reign of Mubarak was considered a disgusting exercise in despotism – people don’t like to think we have double standards in the UK. A list of events that may help:

  • Katrina and the Waves won EuroVision
  • Rationing ended
  • Thatcher systematically destroyed the labour movement in Britain
  • Liberty X had four (count ’em) top 5 hits
  • The sun rose and fell 22,030 times
  • Tim Ballantine was born, 3rd December 1987
  • Tim Ballantine had 24 birthdays

Add others as necessary.

Finally, avoid quoting your own article. It generally makes one look pretentious. And avoid the pronoun ‘I’. One would not be amused to see the queen say it, and she would not want to hear it from you. And one wouldn’t want that.

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Filed under Journalism, Republicanism