Warning: This post is not for people with dependency management issues. If you didn’t understand the Matrix, you won’t like this article. If you did understand the Matrix, it’s likely that you still won’t like this article.
So, the struggling journo thinks to himself, I should write an article about the Jubilee. Lots of people seemed to take it pretty seriously, and every journalist seems to have an opinion. But I also want to make sure I get a staff position somewhere – maybe the Telegraph or somewhere like that. I’d really love to write something that’s both original (so I can look clever and witty to the Mail) and conformist (so I don’t look like one of them crazy Queen-hatin’ liberals).
If only, he thinks, I had access to this article, which completely details everything I need to write a serious piece about the Jubilee without saying anything stupid.
How to Write a Jubilee Article
The Headline: A headline is all important for an article about the Jubilee. Remember that this is a feature as it’s been nearly a week since the weekend itself, so you’ll need to pose your headline as a question to make it look like your analysis goes deeper than simply gushing about the benefits of long-term inbreeding. A few hints to get you started:
- Throwing in a reference to mainstream politics is always good:
- How Does the Queen’s Legacy Contract with the Transience of Modern Politics?
- Are the People Ready to use the Queen as an Example of how to Live in Modern Britain?
- Remember you never need to address the question itself, this is only here suck people in to your article and make them assume you’ve thought very deeply about the questions of monarchy itself.
- Don’t ask the question in a way that could conceivably be answered with a No:
- In Today’s Society, does the Jubilee Highlight the Queen’s Continuing Relevance? – this is out, as it’ll let the bastard lefties in to the comment section to ruin the image of conformity and destroy a budding journalistic career. And you wouldn’t want that.
To begin the article itself, remember that the Jubilee is not about you – it’s about the Queen, so be sure to shoehorn in your personal feelings about the Queen into the first paragraph, so everyone knows how much this article is about her. If you have one, tell an anecdote about meeting her once when you went on a school trip or something. If you’ve never done so, imagine what meeting her would be like and write that down. People love to read what other people think meeting the Queen might be like. It’s gold.
Move on to describe the boat show – as the main ‘attraction’ of the whole thing you should spend some time doing this, with at least one paragraph on each of
- What the Queen was wearing. Her personality is less important than the talents of her wardrobe staff. Remember she’s a figurehead of imperialism, not a real human being with any feelings. If there’s a political twist to the exact shade of pastel she’s wearing, throw that in there for good measure.
- Comment on her bravery for spending all day in the rain. Because she’s in her 80’s, and standing in the rain is tough at that age when all you have is millions of pounds and the best medical staff money can buy. Extra points for then explaining that the unemployed scroungers forced to sleep under London Bridge for no money should take a lesson in fortitude from their reigning monarch.
- Describe how awesome you thought the boats were. Cold hard numbers are good – how many boats, how long did it take, if you laid them end to end how many times would they go to the moon and back. Add in numbers for crowds too – it’s only a guess anyway, so add on a few zeroes if you fancy. Lying means you love the Queen the most.
- Adjectives that may assist
- Erstwhile (if you fancy something a little different)
Briefly mention the concert – people usually derided as chavs in the sorts of newspaper you want to work for can suddenly become national treasures by singing out of key for Queen’n’Country. Be sure to mention their working class background, to show that even celebrities from very poor backgrounds will sing at a concert on the Mall on National Television. Leave implied that the real reason they’re doing it is because everyone loves the Queen so much
The latter half of the article should be a brief story of her reign. Mention how she ascended the throne, and then run through a list of things that have happened since then, to show just how darned awesome she is. Don’t compare how the 30 year reign of Mubarak was considered a disgusting exercise in despotism – people don’t like to think we have double standards in the UK. A list of events that may help:
- Katrina and the Waves won EuroVision
- Rationing ended
- Thatcher systematically destroyed the labour movement in Britain
- Liberty X had four (count ’em) top 5 hits
- The sun rose and fell 22,030 times
- Tim Ballantine was born, 3rd December 1987
- Tim Ballantine had 24 birthdays
Add others as necessary.
Finally, avoid quoting your own article. It generally makes one look pretentious. And avoid the pronoun ‘I’. One would not be amused to see the queen say it, and she would not want to hear it from you. And one wouldn’t want that.